Vanessa Borg

I have experienced other types of loss  until I lost my Cousin and now even worst ...losing my own Loving Precious Daughter .When my cousin Joe died,Nov,1982 I was devastated.He  was a wonderful kind man,loving cousin.I was very close with my Cousin Joe. I remember very well my Vanessa was born July 29th 1982 and Joe could not come and see her as he was leaving for Europe and he called me while on his way to the Airport saying when I come back from Malta I will come and visit you and see the baby.Well Joe never came back from Europe..he had a bad car accident and never met Vanessa. Cousin Joe was 24 .When our Vanessa passed away she was 24 and I know for sure they both met in Heaven.I grieved for him.At that time I kept saying in my heart I can only imagine how my Aunt is feeling with the loss of her Son. I will forever miss You Cousin Joe and my Loving Precious Daughter...be at Peace together and shine down on all of us.

Then, in 2006, my own 24-year-old daughter passed away. My life as I knew it came to a complete halt. I lost all hope and joy, and the worst was yet to come. Indeed, in the early days and weeks,  being able to survive the death of my own daughter was seriously in question.

 You may hear a lot of anger in my words because child-loss is not fair and anger is an immense part of it — raw life-changing anger at the unfairness of it all, much more anger then is associated with other losses.

 Putting into words what the pain, heartache, anger, loss of hope and Joy does to one when they lose their beloved child.  Even our words cannot fully come close to the way our lives are shattered after child-loss

But it is my hope that more people will understand what bereaved parents go through, and how it is the worst loss of all.  

The worst loss of all.

I want you to try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child’s, never hearing them say “I love you.” Nothing – just silence, emptiness. Now, imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing her upset or happy, never watching her sleep.

Imagine missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7. You smell your child’s pillow, clothes, you look at her pictures and can only cry. You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear her voice, to see her face again, and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. Now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight.

That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child.

You also feel the loss with your other children. You still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them, you feel the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. There is a piece missing, a person missing; your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. Things that felt right, now feel wrong. And of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing.

As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children. This we cannot fix, cannot make it better. So on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless…out of control and hopeless…and this is universal.

Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? 

Day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind: your child when she was a baby, a laughing happy little girl, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man or women. It plays in your head, and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life.

And that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget

This is what it really feels like: A part of you has died… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.

That is why when we hear other people say to us: “I want the old you back” or “It’s been long enough and don’t you feel better yet?” or “You are making it harder on yourself” or “grief can become a selfish thing you know” — when we hear these, we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.

Now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music. Go home and hug your children, listen to them laugh with them, watch them smile, smell their scent. And please do not tell me how I should feel.